It has been ages since my last entry and i'm not sure whenever will be my next. In last 2 years, i've been through lost of things. And now sitting on my computer in a dark room and trying to do my confess, i kinda feel lost of weight on my shoulders, so i thought maybe writing could be great.
In last 2 years, i didn't only graduate from University (Department of Business Administration) but also had my national service in military for 5 months which has been hard for a person who is physically not capable of everything (i'm a very small guy). But i found out that it wasn't excuse at anything. Also losing my grandmother...
I wasn't very close with my other grandmother (my mom's mother) due to her behavor on our family. So when she was gone even though i felt pain, it was not how it should have been. My both grandfathers passed away long time ago. So there was only my grandmother for me after my parents. Losing her was hard for me, also my health issues that time around (my last year on university) made it pretty hard for me there. But somehow i made it, graduated and came back to my home.
I can't tell i share too much with my family, maybe because of their attidude to me through years built a wall between us, i don't know, though i love them, even though living with them kills me at all. And after graduating, there was a time that i should decide what to do. And i can't tell i picked this department totally by myself at all.
Problem was i came a long way but i'm not in a place i want to be. So i thought military service could be escape for me to think about it. Now, it's been about 5 months since i came home, my family keeps insisting about what i should do. But i have totally no idea what i should do. I'm into graphic design and video game design, but my country doesn't have many sources for video game at least. The only thing i know is, i want to leave this place, i want to go another country, with a backpack maybe and build a life from scratch, but i don't have money to do it and i don't know what i should do to be able to go another country and live there for good. I'm scared, confused, tired and everyone else giving me advice what jobs i should apply for, where i should live etc etc. I can't even finish a journal properly. :/
What will i do?
Where will i go?
I feel alone and tired, i wish there was someone...